Why?

Job 11:7-9 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? 8 They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know? 9 Their measure is longer than the earth
and wider than the sea.

Can anyone really understand where God comes from and how He does things? We sit and think Why? All the time but never come up with an answer cause Why? is not supposed to be answered sometimes.

The mysteries of God will always be just that. To me I have so many questions and i always will. But instead of trying to find the answers I brush them aside.

Romans 7:15
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

I hate being lazy, i hate feeling so tired in the morning, I hate not praying, not reading, not having energy for the ministry, I hate being selfish, gluttonous, I hate what I'm doing. I mean I've cut out some very essential things and people in my life to begin to move forward. But I feel stuck. Stuck in who I am, stuck in the dirty mud, stuck in the garbage, stuck in a stack papers, stuck in emails, stuck in my life.

How can I change my thinking? I should have an answer right? I'd have an answer if I was counseling someone but "to thine own self be true" and for some reason that's what I'm lacking - truth.

Lord,
You are the truth and for some reason that's the very thing I've been hiding. I'm scared of judgement and condemnation and everything that doesn't come from you. For the first time I'm scared of evil, scared of the enemies mysteries when i should fear You. Where have I gone? How can I find myself again? I need your help. I'm asking for your help.
I love you Always
Amen
PS its me again...